To those that know me, I am almost never down. I’m one of those upbeat, happy people. You know, the ones that drive you crazy with their positive attitude and glass is half full drivel. Sometimes you want to punch me in the face, I am so happy. 

So after a pretty incredible unshakable upswing last week while prepping Homecoming and entertaining a very incredible woman from out of town, I was laid low by the party and the girl going away. On a scale of 1-10 of depressed, i would say it was a 3. No tears, really. But I was just a little bummed, on that verge. Now that for me is pretty big. About as bummed as I have been in a year. 

I am all about climbing out of muck. It’s kind of my thing.  It’s nice, too, when my world supports this plan. So yesterday I spent the day at my Cabin, my favorite place on Earth. I came home and dressed it up a little and went down to The Edison where my good friends at Lucent Dossier were performing (as they do every Wednesday now). As I walked up from my rockstar parking spot, Y2 was in the process of being escorted in by one of the nicest bouncers I’ve ever seen. I bypassed the line and went into my new favorite night spot in Los Angeles. Surrounded by friends and beautiful clowns I had the most amazing time. And without a doubt, it is the most brilliantly decorated space in the city. I love it there. How do I become a member? It seems as if there should be a speakeasy kind of membership. 

And they have this boiler room. They ahve made it into this tea room. Last week Erin was in there giving handmade  chocolate and tea. This week, it was the dead letter office. Very official and perfect. So as we filled out the proper forms and our signatures were stamped in triplicate, she gave me my lost letter. I somehow knew it was a love letter. That’s what I really needed that night. 

My Peach, 

I love you so. Let me count the ways. 

 

1. Your kind heart. 
2. Your wicked sense of humor. 
3. Your generous nature. 
4. Your dashing good looks. 
5. Your sharp taste in clothing. 
6. Your ability to love unconditionally. 

 

 Please be my Valentine. <3

XOXOX

Buttercup

How did this Buttercup know?  A perfect missive really. Thank you Erin, Dana and Lucent Dossier. You got me out of my funk with a little play.  I think I am going to frame it. 

I finished the night off by getting Wolfie a little loopy from an Absinthe healing potion (red bottles are always healing) and then wandered off to Fred 62 for a late night conversation about economic collapse, bug-out bags together, how a $700 billion bailout will cause massive inflation, what kind of bullets to buy, getting out of the throwing underground party business, investing in silver coins because they are most portable, predicting when and if things will get really bad,  and general practical guy shit.  Godsdamn, I love that guy. A truer friend, I have never known. 

I love my life. It is so ridiculous. I can’t even be miserable for a whole week. It’s silly.

I love Love. It’s a nice idea. It makes the world a better place. All we need is love. Love is a battlefield. Love, Love Love. I could go on for three pages with love song lyrics. I have love all over my life. I have love for my friends, a love so deep and real and committed. I have this amazing love from my family. I love them so much. I have known great love in relationships, each one somehow more fulfilling without lessening the love that came before.

I am blessed. For me it is a charmed life.

It is easy for me to see love as this infinite well, a source that cannot run out. Paradoxically, the more one gives of it’s contents, the more of the stuff keeps bubbling up exponentially proportionate to what is given. The real trick is to keep the perpetual motion machine going. It requires maintenance and trust and belief. But, for me, it works.

But I am finding myself in this space I haven’t known for a while. I am open to falling in love (Of course, I blog, so this is a very public openness. Which is confronting). Like romantic, head over heels, crazy about you, flowers and candles, holding hands, kissing for hours kind of falling in love. It’s interesting, because for the first time in years, I am finding myself going down that wildflower lined path, visualizing this beautiful future of love. Fun and terrifying. If you ever wanted to pounce on me… Now would be the time.

It is this fine line, too. On one hand, I want to be open to whatever loving possibilities are there for me, trusting the world to deliver a woman of such caliber as to truly knock my socks off. That kind of trust requires this vulnerability to emotion that scares my tender little inner teenager. So, on the other hand, I have this very real measure by which I am looking for this woman, which requires a certain level of detachment. I made this list, of an ideal partner for me. Sometimes, I see it as too specific.

Specificity versus Openness. It’s a balancing act.

Life is what happens when we are busy making other plans. Because as soon as I really started speaking of this openness, I find myself happily confronted with choices. It seems like more are just flooding to me. I am getting this great experience of being the one who gets to choose. Of course, I keep with the romantic fantasies, they keep it entertaining. I think the trick is to have a fantastic imagination and absolutely no attachment to an outcome. A good magician is at the same time utterly gullible and shrewdly skeptical.

And there is no big hurry. There is time enough for love. Wow, as much as that is my favorite saying, it is really easy to forget. I forgot it until I just typed it. Falling in love is fun, but there is no need to rush it. I need to tattoo that on my forearm.

It has been just over a year since my relationship with Karen ended. From a year out, I can see all the reasons it didn’t ultimately work. I can see the wonderful times and the not so wonderful times with equal perspective. I can miss her and be so happy alone. In the last year I have endeavored to allow myself all of my emotions. There were tears, there was anger, there was laughter, there is love.  A year later, I am complete in my heart about the whole thing.

So, now I find myself in this interesting new space.  I find myself open to romance.

romance |rōˈmans; ˈrōˌmans|noun

1 a feeling of excitement and mystery associated with love

I catch myself connecting with people and looking into their eyes and seeing beautiful possible futures with them. I think of great things in LA to do with dream girls. I wonder.

I have gone from relationship to relationship for a long time now, with very short breaks in between.  I don’t feel like I have really “dated” as an adult. I am realizing a lot of things about it, like communicating the difference between wanting to go on a “date” with someone or “go out” with someone. It’s about subtle distinctions. I am walking this line between very choosy and totally open. I have these really specific things I am looking for in a lover and I can also accept that I really don’t have all the answers. I am failing and winning.  And there is this funny effect. The more love I put out there, the more love gets reflected back at me.

It’s really fun!

2 a quality or feeling of mystery, excitement, and remoteness from everyday life

I am also applying this approach to romance to everyone in my life.  I am thinking of the second meaning of romance. What if I could apply the mystery and excitement to everyone in my life?  Can I cultivate love with everyone?  I request that you open yourself to receive love and romance from me and everyone, wether you are available or not. Let it in.

It’s worth a try.

I want you to understand something. Listen close.

You are amazing. You are this incredible human being, and you keep second guessing your choices, your greatness, your beauty. You have this deep and important contribution to make to the world, and all this doubt of yours is slowly choking out life.

Yeah, I’m talking to you.

Everybody else knows it. They are all conspiring for you, behind the scenes. Everyone really wants you to win.

When you finally get who you are, it will hit you like a ton of bricks. The cost of all the wasted opportunities and all the wasted love. Yeah, that’s right, love.  Yeah, it’s overflowing all around you.

I am done with this small shit. I no longer have time for you new mythic heroes to be anything less than who you are. Thou art God.  If you aren’t ready yet, you might want to step back for a little while and make some room for people who are down.

But I know you have it in you.  I promise to support you every step of the way. You don’t even have to ask.

With Love,

Spaceman

I want you to understand something. Listen close.

You are amazing. You are this incredible human being, and you keep second guessing your choices, your greatness, your beauty. You have this deep and important contribution to make to the world, and all this doubt of yours is slowly choking out life.

Yeah, I’m talking to you.

Everybody else knows it. They are all conspiring for you, behind the scenes. Everyone really wants you to win.

When you finally get who you are, it will hit you like a ton of bricks. The cost of all the wasted opportunities and all the wasted love. Yeah, that’s right, love.  Yeah, it’s overflowing all around you.

I am done with this small shit. I no longer have time for you new mythic heroes to be anything less than who you are. Thou art God.  If you aren’t ready yet, you might want to step back for a little while and make some room for people who are down.

But I know you have it in you.  I promise to support you every step of the way. You don’t even have to ask.

With Love,

Spaceman