Sober
Okay, I am going to admit it. I’m a little bummed out.
It has been months and months since I committed myself to not drinking for a year. Eight months. I feel healthier and happier than ever. I haven’t really struggled with it at all. It’s been great. Really great.
Until Burning Man. Black Rock City is a party town. And really there has been nothing I liked better than sitting around with my friends and a bottle of fine scotch and drinking together there. I love the bars there. I love the world. So I struggled this year. I felt tempted quite a bit.
And now I am working with the Do Lab in another city. Josh and Jesse and I have partied together for years, and with them, I have always been up for a beer or whisky. It should be also noted that Josh is one of the world’s most talented peer pressurers. I left this fun party where they all swiped some booze and went nuts in this hotel room. There were my friends from the Do Lab, there were the beautiful girls of Lucent Dossier, there were new and old friends going wild. And, while I wasn’t the only one not drinking, I certainly felt it. After a while, and the group was getting drunker and more extreme, my energy really didn’t match that of the party and I left.
But oh how I yearned to just have a shot or five to help me feel like one f the cool kids. I was suddenly fifteen again, wanting so badly to be part of the group. I kept wondering if I was drinking, would I blend in somehow? Was I standing out because I was so sober? I felt like such a loser (and truly, I know it’s not “true,” it’s just how I felt when I left the party.).
But I gave my word. And while nobody here would have faulted me for having “just one drink,” and no one at home needed to have known. But I would have known. Wether or not my reasons for quitting booze for a year was a reaction to some kind of alcoholism or not, I am clear it has been a solid choice. I’m committed to it not being some kind of sentence that I have to carry out. But ultimately, it is on me to do what I said I was going to do.
Of course now, I am hooking up with my friends Earth and Robin to go to the Tour de Fat at the New Belgium Brewery. It’s a big costumed bike ride and beer party up in Ft Collins. But, I am not really too concerned about that.
Tags: Drinking, The Do Lab, the pact
September 6th, 2008 at 11:31 pm
I know exactly what you mean. Props for keeping to your vow!
September 8th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
First of all, I’m really proud of you. You made a bargain with yourself, and you’re a man of your word. I don’t expect anything less than scrupulous promise-keeping from you, and this kind of honesty shows that my expectations are spot-on. Thank you for setting such a good example.
Part of this exercise is re-learning how to be comfortable in your own skin without alcohol. But it’s also a lesson in the more subtle, morally ambiguous roles a “vice” might play in your life.
I am related to a number of addicts, all of whom are totally at the mercy of their substances and whose lives depend on their ability to abstain.
I’m pretty sure you’re not one of those guys. How do I know? When your habits were at their worst (and only you know how bad they truly were), you chose to change them – not to save your life at the behest of a doctor, but because you are always striving to be a better man, and sloppiness don’t suit you. It’s the difference between “hitting rock bottom” and “wanting something better.”
There are many activities that hold potential for both gain and harm. The alchemy of drugs and alcohol is delicate and dangerous. But just because a substance (or activity, or item) holds potential for abuse, doesn’t (necessarily) mean you should cut it out of your life. Ideally, you’ll treat that item with respect and use it as a tool, not a crutch. But you already know this!
I guess what I’m saying is: when you do decide to reintroduce alcohol selectively into your gastric repertoire, there will be no way it can harm you, because you will know only and exactly when to say “yes.” That kind of wisdom is worth the sacrifice of a year. And you will not have “failed” for sharing a drink with your friends in your own good time.
Unless we talk you into doing kegstands and put the videos on YouTube.
September 8th, 2008 at 12:37 pm
PS: also you will be a cheaper date
October 6th, 2008 at 11:25 pm
awesome! then do we have a date this wkd?
but seriously, props up dude – i’ve been hangin myself up to dry for quite some time now (i’ve lost track) so i really have to hand it to ya and thanks for sharing!
if u need a buddy to rock it out next wkd with who wants to stay just as sober – u just found one!!!!